Supporting the supporter in times of crisis

 

Supporting the supporter in times of crisis.

As many of you know I have travelled an interesting journey with cancer and am now well. Neuropathy in my feet and a few other challenges but happy and healthy and returning to the elite athletic match fitness we all aspire to. I am so grateful for the support I have received and continue to receive from the medical fraternity, my friends and family. My wife, who has been my primary supporter has been the most incredible support possible and I am so grateful for this. In this note I wish to focus on the supporter/s. How can we, friends and family support the supporter in times of incredible compassion, uncertainty and fear of the future. The point of this conversation is to focus on the supporter and the support they need. By observing the process I have a few ideas that may be valuable when supporter the supporter.

You role is to be a supportive presence and not fix the situation.

Firstly, be aware that everyone is different and requires different support. They often don’t even know what support they require as they chart the news and challenges that lie ahead.

Most importantly, let your person in crisis lead you. Do not assume you know what they need, instead ask them how you can assist and listen carefully to cues they may provide. Allow your person to express themselves without pressure and do not judge, ever. Being curious in your caring is natural but your needs are secondary in this case. Again, let your person in crisis lead.

Be very careful how you offer sympathy. Avoid offering sympathy unless it is explicitly or obviously requested. Instead focus on your most valuable role of being present without assuming their needs.

Be sensitive in your caring. The way some people express concern is really insensitive. For example, asking for a prognosis is not appropriate. If your person in crisis feels the need to tell you this they will volunteer the information. Whether you know this or not, will not add to your support for them. Your role is to support and respect their boundaries. Never be flippant about the situation, even if you feel the need to lighten the moment.

You can often add value by appreciating that your person in crisis may need distractions from the intensity of their situation. You could offer opportunities to socialise, go for coffee, play a sport or go for a walk but be attentive to their cues and do not push if they are not keen. Your challenge is to balance seriousness with lightness, as the moment requires. Do not feel, hurt unappreciated or impatient. Remember this is not about you.